The Crystal Moon in Me

It’s been a while since I contributed to this scratching of a blog called earthousedoodle. I only write from experience and if I have something that hopefully will resonate with someone. I recently was asked to design another pattern of the Eudialyte photograph that I had taken for some fabric. I came up with the image that you see.

It’s one of my favourite Crystals – Eudialyte: a stone of heart felt balance but I discovered through laying low recently and healing after having some surgery for an hyperactive thyroid, that it is also about something else. There was something niggling inside of me apart from my obvious physical body healing.

I had developed six thyroid nodules which eventually led to an over active thyroid over the last 8 years that started to take its toll. It involved major weight loss no matter what I ate, muscle weakness, bone pain, and extreme anxiety that I thought was mine amongst the chaos, being a HSE (Highly Sensitive Empath). Sometimes, it is the same feeling I feel out in the world this very day.

I found out that the escalated anxiety and all the other symptoms were all because of an overactive thyroid. I was told by Specialists if you feel anxious, think thyroid, if your body hurts to the bone, think thyroid and the weight loss of nearly 33 kgs over the past 18 months, think thyroid. Palpitations and arrhythmias, think thyroid. I was put on a medication to normalise my thyroid but it could only be used for up to 18 months due to the side effect of bone marrow suppression and increased risk of major infections. I waited a week before taking that medication to see if there was something I could do myself but was told the risk of a coronary event was highly likely if I didn’t take the medication.

The last result would be surgery if things didn’t improve, as the nodules where still growing and would eventually block my airway. The surgery would be to try and remove the 6 nodules that were hyperactive, causing my body to be in this state and hopefully still have a functioning thyroid.

I had the surgery coming up to 3 weeks tomorrow and am just letting myself process it all. Through it all, I had to ask myself why did this happen? as I always do, not out of self pity but out of responsibility for myself, my healing and the answer as always, lay in my heart.

A year before this I pushed myself, got out into the world in Newcastle, joined a group called the Women’s Intuitive Network. WIN is headed by Psychic Susan Kennedy, who just happens to share the same birthdate and parallel events and places in our lives. It was a group of likeminded women that believed in more than just ‘good or bad’. This group gave me some hope at the time that there were people out there, those that think and feel as Roz and I do, a community spread far and wide, a tribe connected at soul level and now hopefully in the physical as well.

Feeling so exhausted all the time, I wondered if I could even keep going to the group. I came to the realisation that my working life would forever be online rather than in person because I physically didn’t have the strength to be in the world. My dream of this stage of my life in Newcastle with my partner Roz, was slowly turning into a nightmare for me and what kind of life have I put Roz into, when she deserves the world.

The medication for a while normalised my thyroid levels but all the other symptoms continued. I didn’t stop. I stepped up again a few months ago and went to The Hunter Artisan’s Gallery & Café in Maitland in the hope that they would take my photography. I was so anxious, so unwell and Roz said she would ask for me. At the very last moment I decided to do it. I asked the curator and owner Jenni Nichols if she would be interested in having my Crystal Apertures photography, my passion in her gallery, only to find that she would. It was such a big step for me, I had nothing to lose and cried like a child, when Jenni said yes. I felt so pleased that she could see the beauty in the Crystals.

3 months ago I kept putting my Crystal Apertures on different products for people as I was preparing for the surgery. I was doing all I could do to be well prepared I stopped smoking after 34 years and started doing yoga, with Rita Rikelle, a beautiful energetic 70 year old woman that had just become a Yoga Teacher. I wanted to be the best, the fittest I could be with what I had left of this body.

I remembered the advice someone very wise gave me “stay in your own backyard”, so I took it upon myself literally as well as emotionally to get rid of things no longer needed, tidy the yard and to finish our renovations by finally painting the outside of our beautiful little home in Mayfield. I looked upon it as a work of love for myself to tone my body and also so my partner Roz wouldn’t be left with a half baked house, if anything untoward did happen to me. I was ‘staying in my own backyard’ tidying up and getting rid of things that were no longer needed through a process of elimination.

Through it all, I asked myself why? Why did these six hyperactive thyroid nodules happen? I cried an awful lot, I cried my heart out and I didn’t know why. I have always believed it’s not about a light at the end of the tunnel, It’s about seeing the light within yourself and in everything that happens in everday life, that where the buck stops in what I call our lightning seeds. After the surgery, I was told I was brave but I know I’m not, I’m just real. Then it came, there it was.

I realised it was an incident about 8 years ago, where I swallowed my pride, my truth for the sake of two young people that I loved beyond belief because I believed that they at least would be better off believing in one of their parents instead of having no belief in either at all. It was for done out of love.

So I swallowed my words, didn’t speak up for myself about the emotional and physical abuse towards myself and my then new partner Roz by their father and slowly but surely developed this overactive thyroid. I stepped back from what I believed, that it takes a village to raise a child and we are all in this together. I shut my mouth, moved away and their father became their hero for a short while.

To tell my truth at that time would have totally decimated two beautiful teenagers that were so impressionable and who had already felt abandoned by their mother, who had suffered a similar fate to Roz and I which was unbeknown to us or the girls at the time.

I had to believe that somehow they would eventually find out what happened, in their own time as they grew into adulthood and one young lady did. She came looking for answers, when she asked, I listened then answered. Am I sorry I did this?  No, it created a bond that can never be broken through space and time. To hear of and see them live and move forward to who they are becoming is my heartfelt reward.

For me, this integration, it’s almost like a birdeye view of life. Where balance happens sometimes in the blink of an eye or in 2 hours of surgery and then integration occurs like our very own fabric of life.

To consciously look at this love story and humbly find nothing but integrity and love in my own actions and for those I love, lets me know the story is forever done. I can let go of it and move forward knowing that deep down, there is no heart ache, only love and integrity what better place to build a life on.

This illuminating moment when we learn from staying centered, it isn’t so much about balance but more about integration. By looking at the light within instead of waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel, It’s the chance to see if we are coming from a place of integrity, did we work through it, look for solutions? Or did we impulsively choose to ignore it and take the easy way out, ignoring how we felt inside without consciously addressing it because we wanted better. I often feel that the temptation in our lives to go back again and again and relive the story, is often because an issue is not yet resolved. Deep down in my heart I have to believe that telling our truth has to be founded and come from a place of conscious integrity and love and can only be told with no reaction when it is well and truly healed. It is the only way it might ring true for another.

Instead of seeing the chaos and conflict, the good and the bad, the haves and the have nots, the segregation of families, of families with children and the childless. Families in the traditional sense of the word and those that are Single. The scientist or the artist. The leaders and the followers. To include every child, man and woman as all important. This understanding appears where in the chaos of life only centering and finding conscious integrity in one’s self based on love is a win win win win situation.

Life has a strange way of making us aware again and again of understanding this integration founded on the conscious integrity of love to remember that everyone has a life worth living, we are all our own leaders. When we have something to say, we find our tribe. Deep down in me lies this place, the Crystal Moon in me. My only wish and hope is that it resonates with the Crystal Moon in You.

Thanks for reading x

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